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Why Control Is Not the Solution for OCD, Anxiety, and Perfectionism
Control is incredibly useful. If your house is cold, turn up the thermostat. If you have an appointment, put it on your calendar. If your tire is flat, fix it. If you are driving toward a tree, please control the steering wheel.
Human beings are remarkably good at identifying problems, changing circumstances, and creating systems that make life more predictable. So it makes sense that when something uncomfortable happens inside us, we try the same strategy.
An intrusive thought appears... “How do I get rid of this?”
Anxiety shows up... “How do I calm down?”
Uncertainty appears... “How do I figure this out?”
A relationship feels different... “How do I make myself feel certain again?”
A memory feels unresolved... “How do I review this until it finally makes sense?”
A physical sensation grabs our attention... “How do I stop noticing this?”
Sometimes those efforts help. But with OCD, anxiety, and perfectionism, attempts to control internal experiences can gradually become part of the problem.
The issue is not that control is bad. The issue is that we sometimes ask control to accomplish something it cannot reliably deliver, and then organize more and more of our lives around trying harder.
A more useful question becomes: "Is control workable here?"
Control Is Useful—Until We Ask It to Do the Impossible
There are many things we can control or directly change. We can turn off a light, leave a dangerous situation, set an alarm, ask a question, make a budget, take medication as prescribed, study for an exam, apologize after hurting someone, or gather relevant information before making an important decision.
These are examples of problem-solving.
But our internal world does not always respond like the external world.
You cannot simply command:
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“Stop being anxious.”
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“Never think that thought again.”
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“Feel completely certain.”
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“Fall asleep immediately.”
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“Stop noticing that sensation.”
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“Feel attracted right now.”
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“Don't remember that embarrassing thing.”
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“Feel confident.”
You can influence some of these experiences. You can create conditions that make certain outcomes more likely. But direct control is limited.
And when the mind decides that one of these experiences must change before life can continue, the struggle can become enormous.
External Problems and Internal Experiences Require Different Strategies
One of the most useful distinctions in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is not between control and no control. It is between workable and unworkable attempts at control.
Problems We Can Often Solve
Suppose you have an important project due Friday...
You can:
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Put the deadline on your calendar
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Break the project into steps
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Schedule time to work
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Ask for clarification
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Reduce unnecessary distractions
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Proofread the final product
Those behaviors may directly improve the situation.
Now imagine the rule becomes: “I cannot begin until I feel confident that I can do this perfectly.”
The project has changed.
You are no longer only solving the external problem. You are trying to solve confidence first. That may be much harder.
Experiences We Cannot Simply Command Away
Consider Contamination OCD...
A reasonable response might be: “My hands have visible dirt on them. I'll wash them.”
A control struggle might become: “I need to wash until I feel completely certain that my hands are clean.”
Consider indecision or decision-making...
A reasonable response might be: “I need some additional information before making this financial decision.”
A control struggle might become: “I need enough information to guarantee that I won't regret this decision.”
This is asking you to predict the future.
The behavior may look similar from the outside, but the function is different.
The Control Agenda: “I Can Live Once I Feel Different”
ACT sometimes refers to a broader pattern in which life becomes organized around changing or eliminating unwanted internal experiences. We might call this the control agenda.
Its basic rule sounds like: “My internal experience needs to change before I can move forward.”
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"Once I'm less anxious, I'll go."
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"Once I'm certain, I'll decide."
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"Once the intrusive thought stops, I'll relax."
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"Once I feel clean, I'll touch my child."
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"Once my relationship feels right, I'll engage with my partner."
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"Once I feel confident, I'll submit the work."
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"Once I stop thinking about it, I'll know I've recovered."
Notice what happens...
Life becomes conditional. First fix the inside. Then live on the outside.
But the internal world may not cooperate.
So days, months, or years can become organized around trying to reach the psychological state required for permission to live.
The alternative is not: “Give up.”
It is: Stop making control of your internal experience the admission price for participating in your life.
Why Control Strategies Are So Convincing
If attempts to control anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or uncertainty are so costly, why do people keep doing them?
Because they often work. At least for a little while...
They Often Work in the Short Term
You feel uncertain...
You ask for reassurance, and you have a sense of relief.
You feel contaminated...
You wash, and you have a sense of relief.
You worry that you made a mistake...
You check, and you have a sense of relief.
You experience an intrusive thought...
You mentally review why it isn't true, and you have a sense of relief.
You feel anxious about an event...
You cancel, and you have a sense of relief.
The strategy worked. Sort of...
Relief Teaches the Brain to Do It Again
The problem is what gets learned next.
The brain can learn:
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“Good thing we checked.”
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“Good thing we washed.”
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“Good thing we asked.”
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“Good thing we figured that out.”
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“Good thing we avoided it.”
The relief reinforces the behavior.
Then the next time uncertainty appears, the urge to control it becomes even more convincing.
This is one reason compulsions can become so persistent.
The problem isn't that they never work.
Sometimes they work beautifully. For five minutes...
The Control Cycle
A common control cycle looks something like this:
Unwanted thought, feeling, sensation, or uncertainty
↓
“I need to change this.”
↓
Suppress, avoid, check, reassure, analyze, research, fix, or escape
↓
Temporary relief
↓
The brain learns: “Control was necessary.”
↓
The next unwanted experience feels even more important to control
And the cycle begins again...
Over time, the question may stop being “What do I want to do?” and become “What do I need to do to feel okay?”
That is a very different way to organize a life.
When Control Becomes the Compulsion
Compulsions are not always obvious.
Sometimes the compulsion is an attempt to control an internal experience.
Controlling Thoughts
Trying to:
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Suppress an intrusive thought
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Replace a “bad” thought with a “good” one
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Neutralize a thought
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Prove that a thought is meaningless
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Make sure you are no longer thinking about something
The goal becomes:
“I need my mind to stop producing this.”
Controlling Feelings
Trying to:
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Check whether you feel sufficiently attracted
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Make yourself feel love
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Monitor whether anxiety has decreased
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Check whether something feels “right”
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Reassure yourself until guilt disappears
The goal becomes:
“I need to feel differently before I can trust myself.”
Controlling Uncertainty
Trying to:
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Research indefinitely
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Ask repeated questions
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Compare possibilities
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Recheck information
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Analyze every conceivable outcome
The goal becomes:
“I need to know.”
Controlling Memory
Trying to:
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Reconstruct exactly what happened
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Replay conversations
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Determine precisely what you were thinking
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Search for missing details
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Test whether a memory feels real
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Establish the “correct” interpretation of an event
The goal becomes:
“I need the past to feel resolved.”
Controlling Outcomes
Trying to:
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Prevent every mistake
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Produce flawless work
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Anticipate every possible problem
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Ensure nobody is disappointed
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Guarantee that a decision turns out correctly
The goal becomes perfectionism:
“I need to prevent an imperfect future.”
Controlling Other People's Reactions
Trying to:
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Overexplain
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Repeatedly apologize
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Check whether someone is upset
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Carefully manage how you are perceived
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Clarify every possible misunderstanding
The goal becomes:
“I need control over what another person thinks of me.”
Again, the surface behaviors differ. The function may be remarkably similar: "Make the unwanted internal experience change before I continue."
The Pink Elephant Problem
Try not to think about a pink elephant...
Seriously... For the next thirty seconds, make absolutely certain that no image, thought, phrase, or concept involving a pink elephant enters your mind.
There is an awkward problem with that assignment. To determine whether you are successfully not thinking about a pink elephant, part of your attention has to be monitored for the elephant.
The important point is not that thought suppression always causes thoughts to dramatically rebound. Human attention is more complicated than that. The problem is that monitoring whether a thought has disappeared can keep your attention organized around the very experience you are trying to stop noticing.
OCD can turn this into:
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“Is the thought gone yet?”
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“Am I still anxious?”
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“Do I feel contaminated?”
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“Am I noticing my breathing?”
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“Do I still have doubts?”
Now even the absence of the symptom has become something to check.
ACT offers a different possibility:
"You don't have to make the thought disappear before deciding what deserves your attention."
Experiential Avoidance: When Life Becomes Organized Around Not Feeling
ACT uses the term experiential avoidance to describe attempts to escape, suppress, control, or change unwanted internal experiences, especially when those efforts become rigid or costly.
Avoidance itself is not automatically unhealthy. If you have a migraine, lying in a dark room may be perfectly sensible. If someone is threatening you, leaving is not experiential avoidance. If distraction helps you tolerate a brief medical procedure, wonderful.
The issue is not: “Did I try to feel better?”
The issue is whether life increasingly becomes organized around the rule: “I cannot allow myself to experience this.”
That might be anxiety. That might be uncertainty, guilt, disgust, shame, sadness, an intrusive thought, a bodily sensation, a memory, or an incomplete feeling.
Eventually, avoiding internal discomfort can require avoiding enormous portions of external life.
The Cost of the Control Agenda
Control strategies do not only consume time. They can change the shape of a person's life.
Life Gets Smaller
You stop traveling because contamination might happen.
You stop dating because relationship uncertainty is unbearable.
You stop driving because harm feels possible.
You stop submitting work because mistakes feel intolerable.
You stop making decisions because regret feels dangerous.
You stop participating because participation creates uncertainty.
The world becomes smaller in the service of feeling safer.
Attention Gets Narrower
Instead of being at dinner, you are checking attraction.
Instead of playing with your child, you are monitoring danger.
Instead of participating in worship, you are analyzing whether your prayer was sincere enough.
Instead of watching the movie, you are checking whether anxiety has decreased.
Instead of leaving the house on time, you are waiting for a positive thought to appear before you shut the front door.
Your body may be physically present while your attention is working a full shift in the control room.
Rules Become More Rigid
The more you feed your OCD, the tighter grip it will have on how and when you obey its rules.
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“I can't leave until this feels right.”
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“I can't stop until I'm certain.”
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“I can't send it until it's perfect.”
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“I can't move forward until I've figured this out.”
What began as a preference becomes a requirement.
Values Get Put on Hold
Living your values may be the greatest cost of a control agenda.
OCD says: “Take care of this first.”
Life says: “How long?”
OCD says: “Until we're sure.”
And life waits.
Control vs. Influence: A More Workable Question
Giving up the struggle for direct control does not mean becoming powerless. There is an enormous difference between control and influence.
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You cannot command yourself to fall asleep.
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You can create conditions favorable to sleep.
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You cannot command confidence to appear.
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You can behave courageously and gain experience.
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You cannot guarantee that anxiety will disappear.
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You can change how you respond when anxiety arrives.
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You cannot guarantee that a relationship will succeed.
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You can practice being the kind of partner you want to be.
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You cannot guarantee that nobody will judge you.
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You can decide how much authority the possibility of judgment gets over your behavior.
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You cannot guarantee that every decision will turn out well.
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You can gather reasonable information, consider what matters, choose, and respond to what happens next.
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Psychological flexibility isn't giving up influence. It's becoming more selective about where you spend it.
ACT Asks: “Is This Working?”
ACT does not require us to hold a philosophical debate about whether a thought is rational.
It often asks a more practical question: “Is what you're doing working?”
Not: “Does this reduce anxiety for thirty seconds?”
But: “When you repeatedly respond this way, what happens to your life?”
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Does checking create freedom?
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Does reassurance create lasting confidence?
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Does avoidance expand your life?
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Does rumination finally settle the question?
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Does perfectionism allow you to participate more fully?
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Does suppressing the thought make you freer to focus on what matters?
This is called workability.
A strategy can successfully reduce discomfort in the moment and still be profoundly unworkable over time.
Acceptance Is Not Giving Up Control of Your Life
The word acceptance can sound like surrender. It isn't.
Acceptance does not mean:
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“I approve of this.”
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“I want this.”
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“This is good.”
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“Nothing can be changed.”
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“I should tolerate dangerous situations.”
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“I guess OCD wins.”
Acceptance means becoming more willing to allow an internal experience to exist without automatically organizing behavior around getting rid of it.
You may prefer not to feel anxious. You may prefer not to have the intrusive thought. You may prefer certainty. You may prefer the sensation to disappear.
And you can still say: “This is what's here right now. What do I want to do next?”
Willingness: Letting Discomfort Come Along
Willingness does not mean enjoying discomfort. It means making room for it when doing so serves something important.
You might be willing to experience:
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Anxiety in order to travel
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Uncertainty in order to make a decision
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Embarrassment in order to connect socially
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Imperfection in order to create
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Relationship doubt in order to participate in intimacy
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Contamination feelings in order to play with your children
The question shifts from “How do I make this feeling go away?” to “Am I willing to let this feeling come along while I do something that matters?”
That is a radically different relationship with discomfort.
Defusion: Thoughts Don't Have to Become Instructions
Control struggles often begin when thoughts are treated as commands (cognitive fusion).
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“You need to check.”
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“You need to know.”
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“Don't send that yet.”
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“Figure this out.”
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“Wash again.”
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“Make sure.”
Cognitive defusion creates some distance between having a thought and obeying it.
Instead of “I need to figure this out” you might notice “My mind is telling me I need to figure this out.”
The thought does not have to disappear.
You simply gain another behavioral option besides compliance.
Values: What Deserves Your Attention Instead?
If treatment only says “Stop controlling things,” we haven't given you much of a life.
ACT asks another question: “If you weren't spending so much time managing your internal world, what would deserve more of your attention?”
Family?
Friendship?
Faith?
Creativity?
Work?
Learning?
Adventure?
Rest?
Play?
Service?
Connection?
Values do not eliminate anxiety. They help answer why you might be willing to carry some.
ERP: Stop Trying to Control the Trigger's Internal Effect
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is a first-line psychological treatment for OCD.
ERP does not require an exposure to make you feel calm.
The trigger may produce anxiety, disgust, uncertainty, guilt, an incomplete feeling, or an intrusive thought.
The therapeutic opportunity is learning that those experiences do not automatically require a ritualized response.
Exposure Creates the Opportunity
Exposure brings you into contact with something OCD has taught you requires control.
For example:
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Touch the uncertain surface
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Leave the email imperfect
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Spend time with your partner without checking your feelings
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Drive without mentally reviewing whether you hit someone
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Make the decision without obtaining complete certainty
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Allow the intrusive thought
Response Prevention Interrupts the Control Strategy
Then comes the critical part (response prevention).
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Resist the urge to complete the usual ritualized fix
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Resist the urge to wash again
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Resist the urge to seek reassurance
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Resist the urge to review
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Resist the urge to research one more time
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Resist the urge to correct until it feels right
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Resist the urge to test the feeling
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Resist the urge to put the question back on trial
The purpose is not: “Do this until anxiety disappears.”
The purpose is: “Practice responding differently while uncertainty and discomfort are allowed to exist.”
Our therapists in Louisville use Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) to treat all OCD subtypes.
What This Looks Like Across OCD Themes
Contamination OCD
Control agenda: “I need to feel clean before I can continue.”
Flexible response: “I may feel contaminated, and I'm continuing without another ritualized wash.”
Harm OCD
Control agenda: “I need certainty that I would never hurt anyone.”
Flexible response: “I don't need to complete another internal investigation before participating with people I care about.”
Relationship OCD
Control agenda: “I need my relationship to feel right before I can engage in it.”
Flexible response: “Doubt can be here while I decide how I want to show up with my partner.”
Religious or Moral Scrupulosity OCD
Control agenda: “I need certainty that my intentions are pure and that I haven't done anything morally wrong.”
Flexible response: “I can practice my faith or values without obtaining perfect certainty about my internal state.”
Just-Right OCD and Perfectionism
Control agenda: “I need this to feel complete, correct, or perfect before I stop.”
Flexible response: “I can allow the unfinished feeling and move on.”
Indecision
Control agenda: “I need certainty that I'm making the correct choice.”
Flexible response: “I can gather reasonable information, choose, and allow uncertainty about the outcome.”
What About Relaxation, Coping Skills, and Emotion Regulation?
This is where the discussion requires nuance.
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Relaxation is not bad
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Deep breathing is not bad
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Distraction is not bad
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Grounding is not bad
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Exercise is not bad
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Taking a break is not bad
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Doing something comforting is not bad
The question is how the strategy is functioning.
Suppose you take several slow breaths before giving a presentation because you enjoy feeling grounded...
Fine.
Suppose the rule becomes: “I cannot begin the presentation until my anxiety drops below a 3.”
Now breathing may be functioning as a safety behavior or control requirement.
Similarly, distraction can be flexible: “I'm choosing to watch a movie because I want to watch a movie.”
Or rigid: “I must keep myself distracted because I cannot allow that thought to enter awareness.”
The same behavior can serve very different functions.
ACT and ERP are not anti-comfort. They are interested in whether comfort has become a requirement for participation.
When Acceptance Becomes Another Control Strategy
OCD is remarkably talented at taking useful treatment concepts and turning them into rituals. Acceptance is no exception.
You learn: “I should accept my anxiety.” So you accept it... Very intensely.
Five minutes later: “Why the heck am I still anxious? I accepted it.”
And now acceptance has joined the control department.
Other versions include:
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“Am I accepting enough?”
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“Did I really allow the thought?”
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“Was that willingness or avoidance?”
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“If I'm accepting correctly, shouldn't I feel calmer?”
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“Why hasn't the thought gone away?”
Acceptance is not a covert relaxation technique. It is not something you perform correctly enough to earn symptom relief.
You may practice acceptance and still feel anxious. You may allow the thought and have it remain. You may practice willingness and absolutely hate the experience.
That's okay.
Acceptance is not successful because discomfort leaves. It is useful when you become less dependent on discomfort leaving before you can continue living.
A Simple Workability Check
When you're unsure whether you're problem-solving or caught in a control struggle, try asking:
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What am I trying to change right now?
Is it an external situation?
Am I primarily trying to eliminate a thought, feeling, sensation, memory, or uncertainty?
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Is there genuinely new information available?
Am I repeating the same process hoping it will finally produce certainty?
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Does this strategy have a natural stopping point?
Will I stop only when I feel completely right, safe, clean, certain, or calm?
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What happens immediately afterward?
Relief?
And then the same urge later?
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What does this strategy cost me over time?
Time?
Attention?
Relationships?
Freedom?
Opportunities?
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If I didn't have to fix this internal experience first, what would I want to do next?
That final question often points toward something important.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does ACT Mean I Should Stop Trying to Change Things?
No.
Psychological flexibility includes changing behavior when change is useful and persisting when persistence serves what matters.
ACT is not passive.
The question is whether a particular attempt at control is workable in its context. Fix the flat tire, Leave the dangerous situation, and solve the solvable problem. But notice when problem-solving has quietly become an attempt to eliminate unavoidable uncertainty or control an internal experience before you're permitted to live.
Is Wanting Anxiety to Go Away a Problem?
No.
Most people would prefer less anxiety.
The problem is not the preference. The problem develops when “I'd rather not feel anxious” becomes “I cannot proceed while anxiety is present.”
You can prefer that anxiety leave without making its departure a requirement.
Shouldn't ERP Eventually Reduce Anxiety?
Many people experience reductions in anxiety and OCD symptoms through successful treatment. That's a welcome outcome.
But anxiety reduction does not need to occur during every exposure, and immediate anxiety reduction is not the only marker of successful ERP.
An exposure can be useful even when discomfort remains if you are practicing a different relationship with the trigger and reducing compulsive responding.
How Do I Know Whether I'm Problem-Solving or Trying to Control Uncertainty?
Ask what would allow the process to stop.
Problem-solving often ends when enough relevant information is available to make a reasonable decision.
Certainty-seeking ends when you feel certain.
The second stopping rule can keep moving indefinitely.
Is Distraction a Form of Avoidance?
Sometimes.
And sometimes you're just watching television.
Context and function matter.
If distraction becomes necessary because you believe you cannot tolerate awareness of a thought or feeling, it may function as experiential avoidance.
If you're choosing where to place your attention flexibly, distraction may simply be a normal part of life.
Can Relaxation Become a Compulsion?
Yes, if it becomes ritualized and is used to neutralize distress or create a required feeling of safety before moving forward.
That does not make relaxation inherently problematic.
The question is whether you choose the strategy or increasingly feel that you must perform it to make the internal experience acceptable.
What If the Problem Really Is Dangerous?
Respond to danger.
Acceptance does not require ignoring external threats, abandoning reasonable precautions, or tolerating harmful situations.
The challenge in OCD is that the mind can demand extraordinary levels of certainty about whether danger exists.
Treatment helps people use reasonable judgment without requiring absolute certainty about that judgment.
What If Acceptance Doesn't Make Me Feel Better?
Then acceptance may be doing exactly what acceptance does.
It never promised to make you feel better on command.
The question becomes: “Can this feeling be here while I continue doing something that matters?”
Feeling better may happen. It may even happen frequently over the course of recovery. But it does not have to happen first.
Final Thoughts...
Human beings are problem-solvers. That ability has served us extraordinarily well. But not everything that hurts is a problem that can be controlled into submission.
Sometimes the attempt to eliminate anxiety creates a life organized around anxiety. Sometimes the attempt to eliminate uncertainty creates endless checking. Sometimes the attempt to prevent intrusive thoughts makes our attention revolve around monitoring them. Sometimes the attempt to guarantee the future prevents us from participating in the present.
The alternative is not helplessness. It is flexibility.
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Knowing when to solve
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When to change
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When to protect yourself
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When to influence what you can
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When to stop fighting an internal experience that does not need to disappear before life continues
You may not get to choose which thoughts appear. You may not get to choose when anxiety shows up. You may not get certainty before you act.
But you can become more flexible about what happens next.
The alternative to controlling your internal world isn't losing control of your life. It's taking more of your life back.
ACT-Enhanced ERP for OCD in Louisville, Kentucky
River City OCD Clinic provides specialized treatment for OCD, anxiety, perfectionism, and related concerns in Louisville, Kentucky.
Our clinicians use Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) and integrate principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help children, adolescents, and adults reduce compulsive attempts to control thoughts, feelings, sensations, and uncertainty while developing greater psychological flexibility.
Treatment can help you recognize when checking, reassurance, rumination, avoidance, perfectionism, or other control strategies are narrowing your life, and practice responding differently.
The goal is not to eliminate every uncomfortable internal experience.
It is to help those experiences have less authority over what you do next.
Depending on individual needs, treatment options may include individual psychotherapy, group therapy and workshops, or intensive outpatient treatment.
Related Articles
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Experiential Avoidance: The Hidden Process That Fuels OCD, Anxiety, and Emotional Suffering
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Values vs. Goals in OCD Recovery: Why Direction Matters More Than Perfection
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Reassurance Seeking in OCD: Why It Feels Helpful (But Keeps You Stuck)
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Indecision and OCD: Why “What If I Make the Wrong Choice?” Can Feel Paralyzing
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The Art of Not Fixing Things: Learning to Leave OCD Unresolved
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Perfectionism, Anxiety, and OCD: When High Standards Become a Trap
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Acceptance in OCD Recovery: Learning to Stop Fighting Your Mind